Who Are You?
The Question That Terrifies Most People (And Why You Should Ask It Anyway)
I'm about to ask you the most terrifying question in human existence.
Most people spend their entire lives avoiding it. Others pay therapists thousands to help them face it. Some discover it accidentally during meditation retreats, midlife crises or in my case, during ridiculously long endurance events.
Here it is:
Who Are You?
Not your name, not your job title, not even your roles in life such as parent, friend, son or daughter.
When everything is stripped to the core.
When nothing else is left.
Who Are You?
Everyone is an actor.
Earlier this week, i had to introduce myself in a Zoom webinar…
“Hi, I’m Chris, Managing Director at Optimal Chef Services, Dad of three, ultramarathon runner, and writer.”
But who am i when i strip all of that away?
When the business cards are binned. When the kids have grown up. When i can no longer run. When the job title disappears.
Who am i then?
Most people never find out. They spend entire lifetimes collecting identities like badges, never stopping to ask what remains when you remove them all.
Who am i?
Scary question isn't it?
Why? Because identities are temporary. Jobs end. Roles change. Bodies age. Relationships shift.
But something remains constant underneath.
The question is: do you know what that is?
The Identity Prison (That We Build Ourselves)
Here’s what nobody tells you about collecting identities:
Each one becomes a cage when you believe it is who you are.
“I’m a chef.” - so i’m expected to know everything there is to know about food.
“I’m a coach” - so i’m asked for health and fitness advice every single day.
“I’m a runner.” - so people think that training must be easier for me and harder for them.
“I own my own business.” - so money must be no object.
We become prisoners of our own personas.
Every identity comes with rules. Expectations. Limitations. Things you “should” know. Ways you “should” behave. Things you “can’t” do. Feelings you “shouldn’t” have.
The more identities you believe define who you are, the smaller your cage becomes.
Until you forget that the cage door was never locked.
You built it. You can unbuild it.
But first, you need to remember who was there before you started building.
I’m Currently Having an Identity Crisis (And It’s the Best Thing Ever)
As you read this, I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.
Not in a destructive way. In a freeing way.
Here’s what I’m discovering:
“Chris the entrepreneur” is just one costume I wear
“The newsletter writer” is just one voice I use
“The ultramarathon runner” is just one hat that I put on
“The husband, father and son” are roles I play, not who I am
Don’t misunderstand—I love these roles. I’m committed to them. But they’re not my identity.
They’re expressions of something deeper.
When I sit in silence, there’s someone there before any of these labels arrive. Someone who existed before I learned to get into character. Someone who will remain when all performances end.
That someone is the only “me” that actually matters.
The Stripping Away Framework
Want to discover who you are beneath the masks? Try this exercise:
Layer 1: Remove Your Job You’re not what you do for money. If your job disappeared tomorrow, you’d still be you. What remains?
Layer 2: Remove Your Relationships You’re not someone’s partner, parent, child, or friend. These are connections you have, not who you are. What’s left?
Layer 3: Remove Your Achievements You’re not your degrees, awards, or accomplishments. Strip away everything you’ve done. Who’s still there?
Layer 4: Remove Your Personality Traits You’re not “funny” or “serious” or “creative.” These are patterns you’ve developed, not your essence.
Layer 5: Remove Your Beliefs You’re not your opinions, politics, or philosophies. These are constructs you’ve adopted. What remains when even your thoughts disappear?
What you find at the bottom is what you actually are.
The Meditation Revelation
Every evening at 9:30PM, I sit in complete silence.
No apps. No music. No guided anything. Just me and the absence of everything else.
In those first few seconds, the silence is deafening.
Who am I without the constant stream of identity reinforcement? Without the emails telling me I’m important? Without the Whatsapp messages or Strava kudos? Without the schedule proving I’m busy? Without the achievements validating my worth? Without my kids shouting “dad”.
For the first couple of minutes, I feel like i need more, to acheive more, to be more.
Then something extraordinary happens.
I discover that everything i need is already within me.
Not in some mystical, woo-woo way. In a practical, profound way.
When you remove all the artificial boundaries—all the “I’m this but not that”—you realise that the core of you is the same core in everyone else.
Pure awareness. Unlimited potential. Perfect presence.
Before society taught you to shrink yourself into categories.
Your Competitors Are Collecting More Masks
While you’re reading about removing identities, most people are adding them:
Buying courses to become “certified experts”
Posting achievements to prove their worth
Networking to build their “personal brand”
Optimising their LinkedIn to showcase their roles
Collecting testimonials to validate their importance
They think they’re building themselves.
They’re actually losing themselves—buried under layers of performance that get heavier every year.
By December, they’ll need new achievements to feel worthy. By next year, they’ll need bigger titles to feel important. By next decade, they’ll be so lost in their roles they won’t remember who they were before they started performing.
Meanwhile, you’ll know exactly who you are underneath it all.
The Dangerous Question Nobody Asks
Here’s the question that will either liberate or terrify you:
“If I lost everything I think defines me, would I still be okay with who remains?”
Most people avoid this question like death itself.
Because what if the answer is no? What if, underneath all the roles and achievements and relationships, there’s… nothing? Or worse, something they don’t like?
But here’s the plot twist:
What you find underneath is never nothing. And it’s never something you don’t like.
What you find is the part of you that was never broken. Never needed fixing. Never required improvement.
The part that was whole from the beginning.
The part that every spiritual tradition points to. Every meditation reveals. Every moment of pure presence uncovers.
Your essential self.
Not the self you’ve built. The self you’ve always been.
Permission to Be Nobody Special
Here’s what the personal development industry won’t tell you:
You don’t need to become anything.
You don’t need to improve yourself. You don’t need to optimise your potential. You don’t need to unlock your power or find your purpose or discover your calling.
You just need to stop covering up what’s already there.
All the self-help books, courses, and coaching programs are trying to add layers. More knowledge. More skills. More strategies. More identity.
What if the real work is subtraction?
Removing what doesn’t belong. Dropping what you never needed. Letting go of who you thought you had to be.
Most people spend their lives trying to become someone.
What if you spent yours unbecoming everything that isn’t you?
The Return Strategy (But Different)
Here’s the beautiful paradox:
When you discover who you are without any identities, you can play with identities freely.
You become an actor who knows they’re acting.
You can be “Chris the entrepreneur” when business requires it. “Chris the writer” when creativity calls. “Chris the father” when family needs it.
But you never forget that these are costumes, not who you are.
This changes everything.
You stop taking rejection personally (they rejected a role, not you). You stop fearing failure (a performance flopped, but you remain). You stop needing validation (the actor doesn’t need applause to know they exist).
You play the game without the game playing you.
The Nobody Advantage
While everyone else is grinding to become somebody special, you’re discovering the freedom of being nobody in particular.
While they’re defending their identities, you’re exploring beyond them. While they’re proving their worth through achievement, you’re finding worth in existence itself.
When you know who you are beneath the masks, you wear them more skilfully. When you understand your essence, you express it more authentically. When you’re secure in your being, you do more effectively.
Everyone you meet will show you their masks.
Your presence will show you your truth.
The Nobody Manifesto
You're receiving this newsletter from someone who spent decades collecting identities like trophies.
Each one became a cage when I forgot they were just masks.
Father. Entrepreneur. Chef. Coach. Leader. Writer.
The problem wasn't having these roles - it was thinking I WAS these roles.
Until I started asking: "Who was I before I learned to be anyone?"
The answer surprised me.
I was nobody special. And that's the most special thing you can be.
“Nobody special” has unlimited potential.
“Nobody special” can become anything.
“Nobody special” doesn't need to defend an image or maintain a reputation.
“Nobody special” is perfectly free.
The world doesn't need another somebody trying to prove their worth.
It needs more “nobodies” who remember their essence.
Right now, I'm remembering mine. Constantly. Consciously.
And it's the most liberating thing I've ever done.
Welcome to the “nobody” revolution.
The world needs more people who have discovered that being nothing in particular is everything that matters.
Who are you when you're not trying to be anyone?
Chris
Wow. Good read. As I put on my chef costume for the day 👌🏻 I’ve actually been saying recently it’s a character I play when I’m at work. Chef Lindsey and Lindsey are two completely different people